Wednesday, June 28, 2006

but those good things matter...

blind the sky,
'til it's misaligned
with unexpected tendencies
and hardcore constellations
seen only in dreams
where we hold hands forever.

Monday, August 01, 2005

chipped black nail polish

is one of my favorite things. honestly.
i'm settling for it now in place of love.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

home is far away.

because i've never defined it as a place, not even the most wonderful lap i've ever nestled in, or the five best songs i've loved since could ever be remembered. sort of like an unsettled little dog who stomps on ur face and back all night trying to find the sweet spot, only finding success in making you understand that it's been an uncomfortable serach, at best.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

UNNH! Double Nut, uNnh UHnnh!!!

I know in the Sir Mixalot version it's "Double Up," but today when I walked the street to my interview, I reserved the right to root myself on with my own otherwise version. And my "UNNH! Double Nut, uNnh UHnnh!!!" comes with two less than swift pelvic thrusts in the air, double schwing, Garth style. This is something I have to's my show of overcompensation, because when I go to bed the night before an interview, I am counting the number of times "I am a huge fat boner loser" crosses my mind. And in the morning, I usually reserve about three minutes for a last minute vomiting. So, even when I'm applying for the the least favorable of jobs, I have to amp myself up on the way there just so I won't piss myself while I'm answering questions about my work.
Anyway, with the aforementiond Double Nut in mind...I realized I do a lot of weird stuff to boost my ego. Including looking in the mirror and repeating little cockmaster phrases like "You rule" and "You can do eet." Please don't let me be alone here.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I’ve never been so uneasy to take a walk / Than while in your hands today.

Though it should seem an effortless task,
I know (inconsequentially) many feats
More worth saving
Than my own.

Yet you still don’t know how to step away
From this impossibly shallow pool
you’ve managed to wade through.
No lukewarmer than the promises I can’t keep,
And as fragmented
As open eyes in saltwater.

Somewhere along the way
You’ve disturbed what I try to keep analytical
And define by regrets;
And outraged leaks from
My most prized weakness:
A temperament of puzzled reelections,
And nervous laughs.

But you bring me past the dynamics of daydreams and
All the way to the scape of grace and inaudible screams
Of sideways delight
And nonsensical bleats.
So far that I’ve rebelieved
we can go somewhere
To pretend we’re as regal
As that man and woman
They write every song for.

And yes.
All the way to the point
I throw my head back and relax.
Poised with a bend most people have misunderstood
As a scoff of unmanaged ego.
That’s as far as we can go, I’m afraid
Of all the places in the world
I’ve never been so unsure as
I’ve recoiled today.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

the problem with alone...

the problem with alone is that i think i'm invincible to all the depressing things that come with the territory. i pretend that i'm superwoman and i go through the motions of extra showers and extra teeth brushings and flossings so as to feel like i have direction and am getting things done...i start paying my bills on time and making my own food and pretty soon i'm following this esoteric cult of 20 something women finding independence and themselves through jivamukti yoga and stella mccartney asana workout clothes...god help me.

but then once in awhile, i come across these disastrously beautiful displays of evidence in the real life happening right now and not involving me existence of movie love, and i realize that i am not unconquerable by this territory. loneliness and a need to affect and be affected by is killer.

my favorite hobby (time waster) right now is finding shapes and characters in my bathroom marble walls (like the cloud game) far i've found jesus superstar and the bottom half of alice in wonderland's blue and white silk taffeta dress (which i've changed to shantung today b/c i'm so snarky...)

yeah, i need to get a job.

on a lighter note...

1) london and paris were great, i'm a huge fobby sonia rykiel whore now.

2) i pissed my wool pants and favorite shoes in front of my hotel. sober. and in fatty's words "en masse," the best part of the trip

3) i'm no longer bed ridden and am searching for new buddies to do new things

4) my new phone is coming...

5) steph sent me cupcakes. :)

Monday, January 17, 2005

i'm looking for a girl...

i don't think i have ever met anyone like myself. and it's not that this is a good thing or a bad, but i'm wondering where the me's are, and why i can't find them. i am looking for a girl who has at some point in her life stuffed her bra even when she slept and managed to successfully stuff her one piece swimsuit, too. this involved the sewing-ons of snaps. i'm looking for a girl who had braces for six years, which was preceded by 2 years of a built in retainer which had to be rotated nightly by her mother. where is the girl who pissed her pants at her piano teacher's house when she was thirteen because she didn't want to ask for permission to do so? i'm looking for a girl who smelled things used by boys she liked, like towels or even a bottle of eye drops that she couldn't open for herself. And she still has that bottle. I'm looking for a girl who spent the rest of the night of her first kiss re-enacting that moment with her pillow with glee. Even though that boy had been nothing to smile about. Now where the fuck is she...