Sunday, March 06, 2005

I’ve never been so uneasy to take a walk / Than while in your hands today.

Though it should seem an effortless task,
I know (inconsequentially) many feats
More worth saving
Than my own.

Yet you still don’t know how to step away
From this impossibly shallow pool
you’ve managed to wade through.
No lukewarmer than the promises I can’t keep,
And as fragmented
As open eyes in saltwater.

Somewhere along the way
You’ve disturbed what I try to keep analytical
And define by regrets;
Symptoms
And outraged leaks from
My most prized weakness:
A temperament of puzzled reelections,
And nervous laughs.

But you bring me past the dynamics of daydreams and
All the way to the scape of grace and inaudible screams
Of sideways delight
And nonsensical bleats.
So far that I’ve rebelieved
we can go somewhere
To pretend we’re as regal
As that man and woman
They write every song for.

And yes.
All the way to the point
I throw my head back and relax.
Poised with a bend most people have misunderstood
As a scoff of unmanaged ego.
That’s as far as we can go, I’m afraid
Of all the places in the world
I’ve never been so unsure as
I’ve recoiled today.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

the problem with alone...

the problem with alone is that i think i'm invincible to all the depressing things that come with the territory. i pretend that i'm superwoman and i go through the motions of extra showers and extra teeth brushings and flossings so as to feel like i have direction and am getting things done...i start paying my bills on time and making my own food and pretty soon i'm following this esoteric cult of 20 something women finding independence and themselves through jivamukti yoga and stella mccartney asana workout clothes...god help me.

but then once in awhile, i come across these disastrously beautiful displays of evidence in the real life happening right now and not involving me existence of movie love, and i realize that i am not unconquerable by this territory. loneliness and a need to affect and be affected by is killer.

my favorite hobby (time waster) right now is finding shapes and characters in my bathroom marble walls (like the cloud game)...so far i've found jesus superstar and the bottom half of alice in wonderland's blue and white silk taffeta dress (which i've changed to shantung today b/c i'm so snarky...)

yeah, i need to get a job.

on a lighter note...

1) london and paris were great, i'm a huge fobby sonia rykiel whore now.

2) i pissed my wool pants and favorite shoes in front of my hotel. sober. and in fatty's words "en masse," the best part of the trip

3) i'm no longer bed ridden and am searching for new buddies to do new things

4) my new phone is coming...

5) steph sent me cupcakes. :)